now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
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According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.