Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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