I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The beer is more important than you right now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
