You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
