im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
