Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I have fence marks all over my body
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
