I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
How's work?
Spinning.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
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Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
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Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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