Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
