Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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