Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
