He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
