she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
