I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
