I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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