1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.