so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.