I just pynch a tree in the face
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
