We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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