Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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