I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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