I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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