The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
