Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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