It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
