You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
