i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
