Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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