corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
