it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sext me about skeletons
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
