I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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