I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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