When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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