then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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