Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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