Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
