It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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