how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
