Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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