u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you traded sex for a burrito?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
