When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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