he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
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So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
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Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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