I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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