Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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