I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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