I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
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Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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