I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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