oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
