I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
