Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
