I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my being single is dangerous.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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