you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
