I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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