Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
