I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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