a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
