If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
