Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
